How am I to begin? The words of Neil Diamond's song, Sweet Caroline, suddenly spring to mind.
Where it began I can't begin to know, but then I know its growing strong. Perhaps it began with the urge
to write in 1994. A new computer arrived in our house and I began to wonder if I could put down a story, one like those I'd been thinking about all my life. When I proceeded to
do so I realized it was much harder than I anticipated. As a teenager I had enjoyed writing. I had even written some sentimental stories and verse, and considered I could express
myself well. However I was always doubtful about my ability to think of a story line. Much to my amazement it was not the story line which stumped me, but my writing style, which
was often so formal and pretentious that it did not appeal to anyone but myself.
Never the less I continued, full of the joy of creativity, discovering within myself copious amounts of energy and drive
hitherto not experienced. Within two years I had written two very mediocre novels and had a third one planned, in fact a scientific/religious
thriller and impossible to write because I knew nothing about the Middle East or the Vatican and even less about religion. However when I read a copy of TE Lawrence's Seven
Pillars of Wisdom all that changed. Something extraordinary happened; just like Snow White, a prince awakened me.
TE Lawrence's major contribution to the awakening of my soul was mostly due to his agonizing self- awareness and honesty. The gut-wrenching chapter in his masterpiece where he discusses himself is, in particular, was most illuminating. Indeed I identified so closely with him for a while I thought I was Lawrence. He was such a thoroughly mixed up person, with multiple hang-ups, that many of his problems could be regarded as universally representative. Indeed one his more recent biographers, John E Mack, an eminent psychiatrist and Pulitzer Prize winner, entitled his book, Prince of Our Disorder. Not that I agreed with everything John Mack said, in fact towards the end of my own research our findings began to diverge dramatically. Rather these days I prefer to regard TE Lawrence as the symbol of our uncertainty.
This does not mean that I don't remain a sincere admirer of John Mack's work, quite the contrary, but its just that I felt I saw more deeply again, as if into the very soul of Lawrence. Indeed by looking for and finding his soul I re-discovered my own. I say re-discovered because I feel that children know their own souls much more intimately than adults tend to do.
Adults must re-discover what a child knows instinctively.
In many ways now that these preliminaries are over, my passionate response to Lawrence and his personal biography is secondary, if you like a trigger to get to the heart of the matter. Somehow I always knew that by following the Lawrence trail I would discover something profound, and fortunately I was right. I even recall the moment I decided to pursue it. It was after I had read and assimilated the Seven Pillars of Wisdom and one or two biographies about him. Having already conceived a story that included him I began writing. I failed dismally, and fully intended returning to the local library all material related to him. I failed to do that too. While staring at the books inside the boot of my car I experienced a pull, a call, a gravitational force so powerful that I slammed it shut and drove home again.
I never renounced him again, and happily, the rewarding thing about following your own instincts is that you learn to value and love yourself, and by doing that it is far easier to value and love everyone else. This is not a new discovery but having gone through the process, it is a thoroughly accurate one. Honest and sympathetic reflection on your specific strengths and weaknesses, successes and failures, doubts and confusion make you realize fully, not just superficially, the relative condition of all those around you, and in doing so your whole perspective shifts from the personal to the universal. Like the red-hot particles, which rise from a fire and transform into glittering threads, nothing is, as it seems. Indeed, to know anyone else fully is impossible unless we could read their minds as well a their hearts.
The necessity of life
Is to know your Self,
And when you do,
You know everyone.
I wrote this about Lawrence very early on in what I term the elaborative or initiation period. Or should I call it Baptismal period?
Tiny pieces of him kept flickering into the air and settling onto the hearth. Passers-by were disturbed by this,irritated even by the shabby burn marks left there. Others were appalled by his lack of care and consideration. Many took it as a warning to be more careful next time, while others thought it a great achievement and recommended him as art.
But for me he was the fire itself, ignited by his own imagination, confined in a space not wholly of his own making and limited by the available intoxicating air. He burned all colours depending on the quality of the atmosphere surrounding him. He could be cold blue, indefinable tangerine or white- hot.
But sadly the fate of the fire is exactly as we all know it to be; limited by its own source and the generosity of others. In the end it dies, leaving behind the warm and inviting embers by which to warm our hands and hearts and to talk of things most strange like the way a single word, a musical note or a mere man can alter one's impression of the day.
Needless to say the Lawrence research led me a merry dance. I shot off emotional letters to all sorts of people. Science writers, writers of the spirit, psychologists and his most recent biographers all received somewhat precocious letters. After his fashion I was honest as I dared be, and as enthusiastic and unrestrained as a woman in love. I might now cringe with embarrassment at the memory of those letters and emotions if I was not so grateful for them. In fact now I recall them with pleasure knowing fully that they were part of a greater learning phase through which we all must pass if peace and happiness are to be found on earth.
There is much being written about the evolution of the soul these days. Many sincere and competent writers set down their thoughts with good, if not great intentions. In my small way I would like to do the same. So this is intended for those that are interested. I do not claim exclusive knowledge or special favour, but what I do claim is a feeling that I would like to share what I've learnt and point others in the same direction. Luckily the computer is an interactive device and strangely, perhaps divinely, representative of the New Age, an age wherein we can at last learn to communicate, not in competition, but with mutual interest, compassion and respect. I would like to think that my small part might make someone's journey a little easier.
Is there anything more beautiful or tragic than a soul in torment?
Is there anything more beautiful or tragic than you and I?
If not for our longings there would be no tomorrow,
if not for our ignorance would the shadow hide the sky?
Don't turn from me now the world is revealing,
things unknown and those half said.
Linger not in the half- light for on the horizon,
is the path to peace, deposing our dread.
It was early in 1997 that I wrote The Theory of Universal Fulfillment and proceeded to include it in one of my occasional soul searching, mostly unanswered, letters to various experts. At the time I wrote it I understood it, but then forgot how to understand it. Most of my time since then has been spent not only trying to understand it again, but explain and prove it. It was rather like a scientific hypothesis, which requires experimental and practical data to support it. I feel that I'm ready to come clean. Like the revolutionaries, racial activists, conscientious objectors, women's liberationists and members of the gay community who have gone before, thoroughly modern mystics have their work cut out. In America they seem to be coming out of the cosmic closet all over the place, but in Australia, less so. Sadly, the response of family and friends can be varied and sometimes disheartening. One close associate suggested I had too much spare time on my hands which simply underlines our fundamental condition. It is certainly true that few of us have any quality spare time in which to ponder the deeper meaning of life, and even if we did, wouldn't be bothered anyway. The time we have is taken up with the necessities of life interspersed with watching television news, jogs around the block, dinner parties, walking the dog and other forms of amusement and recreation. Yet, just as during those former periods, the struggle is eventually worth it, not only for our own benefit but for that of everyone else as well.
TE Lawrence was a great believer in freedom: freedom from imperialism, racial and sexual discrimination and the insidious type of discrimination inherent in so-called civilized society. Unfortunately he failed miserably to free himself from his own ego, Old Adam as he so insightfully called it, and suffered its painful and tragic consequences. So I dedicate this work to him, in the hope that whatever and wherever he may be, he can at last find the freedom he so desired.
As an ex-secondary science teacher I plan to present a series of short discussions, mini lectures, rather like a succession of modified, if lengthy, lesson plans. This might not sound particularly appealing but you might find it is more enjoyable than you expect. The secret to success of all good science classes is to punctuate the sober theory with stimulating practical exercises and thought provoking discussion questions. For my own part, and I hope for yours too, I enjoy the addition of poetry and prose and references to illuminating lyrics to liven things up.
The ancient philosopher Plato was also comfortable with this conversational format, although in a much more formal form, as one really feels as though they are talking to somebody, thereby allowing for internal/external debate so essential during such an undertaking. I also hope the Email facility proves convenient but not overwhelming.
Acknowledgment:
I would sincerely like to thank the Seven Pillars of Wisdom Trustees for granting me permission to quote the writings of TE Lawrence. I would also like to thank my husband
and children as well as my visible and invisible friends.
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